Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I did it eBay

Dirty, dirty doings at eBay these days. OK, part of it is that I finally figured out how to access eBay's "Mature Audiences" auctions: I was wondering for the longest time why when I would get drunk and search for "TWAT" all that would come up was a bunch of fawking rocks from The Wet Agate Trader (T.W.A.T....get it? [groan]). Now I can finally get my hot little hands on Wash West's rockin porn parody The Hole: [rrrring] "In seven days, you will be gay...."

But let's stay focused. Gawker notes that the latest sex-sells trend on eBay is imaginary girlfriends. Winning bidders get a promise of girlfriendom for a month or so, though considering it's restricted to online-only romance I'm not sure what the point is exactly. Since you can't show her to your parents, she doesn't work as a so-called "beard" girlfriend.** Perhaps Imaginary Girl can prove to a doubting fellow frat brother that you are capable of wooing women without the help of GHB?

But despite my predilection for fratboys, my favorite sex+eBay story has got to be the one about Rosie Reid, the Cynthia Nixon-styled college girl so desperate to pay off her college loans she tried to sell her virginity on eBay. The tagline is something only Gloria Steinem could love: "[L]ooking to sell virginity. Never lost it due to lesbianism. Will bung in free massage if you are any good." [Sorry I was speeding, officer—it was due to lesbianism. I'll bung in a free massage if you let me go without a ticket.]

Now sure, publicly auctioning off your V-card is sad, but Jessica Simpson did it to hawk bad pop music and an even worse reality show, so what's the fuss? Well you see, the truly sad part—what really hits you right there—is that (as the classy News of the World puts it in their much juicier scoop of the story) "Rosie is even willing to sleep with a man despite it being abhorrent to her—she is a LESBIAN." Gawddam those dykes are enterprising!

Hmm, let's see...the only other dirty eBay tidbit I have is more Halliburton dirty than Peaches dirty. Looks like America's sorry public school system is doing some good: wily eBay bidders have taken to buying misspelled popular items ("Chandaleer earrings") for cheap because they don't show up in searches, then selling them off at their true price, spelled correctly. (Link via the hilarious 'Bred Crumbs.) Hell, how else do you think I could afford my authentic "Louis Buitton" wallet?

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**By "beard" here I don't mean a merkin or somesuch, but rather a faux girlfriend gay men use to hide their underlying flamerdom.

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