Monday, January 26, 2004

Twat A Wonderful World

Trends, fashion, Von Dutch hats, minorities du jour—oh how to keep up with it all? I mean, ok: first Tina Brown—somehow unaware of her own obsolescence—said that orange was the new black. Then The O.C. waltzed in one summer evening and declared that pink+brown was the new black. Then somehow Justin Trousersnake became the new black: not only did the born-and-bred honkey win a "Music of Black Origin" Award from those dubiously racist Brits, he cemented his blackaliciousness with questions of how much snake there actually was in his trousers**—not that I am one to stereotype.

Once Justin's flame began to flicker—and those pesky racism accusations surfaced—Justin was out and, uh, now out is in. Remember back in November? God, gay has been the new black for, like, ever. Makes me want to take a long swish off a short cliff.

Thankfully for the homo-weary, the wonks and wonkettes at AdAge have decreed that now porn is the new black (via Gawker). AdAge claims: "Porn is where hip-hop was 10-15 years ago."

Hey AdAge, 10-15 years ago, hip-hop was Vanilla Ice.***

Anyhoo, while mentioning several current double-anal-turned-WB stars (including Ice's Surreal Life co-star Ron Jeremy), AdAge fails to even name-check the father of all porn crossover stars: David Duchovny. Little Daveycakes channeled some juicy softcore exploits on the Red Shoe Diaries into a fully clothed but equally panty-moistening run on the aptly-named XXX-Files. AdAge also ignores ur-barely legal bimbo Traci Lords' many guest-starring attempts to go legit (including her recent jarring cameo on the G-rated Gilmore Girls), but since no one else watches GG but me and lonely Yalies, I'll forgive them (AdAge that is, not the Yalies—fuck them).

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**Britney recalled only a Vienna Sausage, while an earlier report claimed they plump when you cook 'em. [Groan]
***I have nothing but love for fellow Floridian The Iceman: the line "A1A! Beachfront avenue!" from 'Ice, Ice Baby' is about my hometown. w00t

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