Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Back On The Chain Gang

I know, I know, everyone's bummed to be back to the daily grind after the long weekend, and the recent Valentine's Day probably left some of you feeling so sad and lonely, and the rest of you totally exhausted. But hey, I can't help it if you're tired after this weekend's love marathon—I mean, it's not my fault that a $100 meal was all it took to get you to agree to anal....

Uh, yeah. So you've probably come here in hopes that my scintillating Rabelaisian wit will brighten up your boring loveless workaday life. Well I got news for ya: this blog sux now, dude! But fear not! Your computer will always love you, even when you're not playing the Paris Hilton sex tape. The following sites will turn that frown upside down by transforming your computer into a thinking, feeling being that will talk with you and interact with you and make you feel important and maybe even make you think it gives a shit about your crappy life (hey, that's more than can be said for your last current boyfriend).

Anyhoo, hours of time to waste: this 20 Questions site [click "Anonymous Login"] plays—and always wins—a classic game of "Twenty Questions" with you. Dude, it was like my computer could read my frickin mind: I tested it by thinking of every random obscure thing I could dream up—specifically a basketball, a colander, an erect cock, and a sprig of rosemary—and each time it guessed it in under 20 questions. (OK, actually, for the rosemary it guessed thyme after 20 questions and then needed 3 more questions to get it right, and with the wiener it said, and I quote: "I can't print those sorts of things....Does your mother know you're thinking of something like that?" Oh website, if you knew my mother....You don't know the half of it!)

Even more frighteningly sentient is Sitcom/Dictator, which asks you to think of either a sitcom character or a world dictator (it doesn't ask which category you're thinking of) and then badgers you with yes/no questions to guess who it is. I've yet to stump it, even with the entire cast of Alf and Eerie, Indiana. The fact that somewhere in the world computer code exists that involves both Pol Pot and Designing Women is truly one of the great miracles of our age.

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