Friday, February 13, 2004

Cold Shoulder

Sorry, I know, the Oscars are like so three weeks ago; but Miramax blowhard/M&M addict Harvey Weinstein—the rich but gropy uncle of the Hollywood family—just can't seem to let it go. Harv's frothing at the mouth over Cold Mountain being "snubbed" by Oscar...because being the year's 3rd-most nominated film is definitely a snub. In related news, Harvey Weinstein's wife said in an interview that he has the same complaint every night: "your nightly blowjobs are no good—I come, but you don't lick my balls sloppily enough when I do." Puh-fawking-leez, Harvey—what more do you want from the Oscars?

Anyway, because of all this "snub" talk, now every week there's a new conspiracy theory about why the film wasn't more heavily nominated, with the obvious—COLD MOUNTAIN BLEW THE GIANT MOTHERCOCK!—going unstated. (Granted, the Oscars are known for rewarding mediocrity and ignoring quality—remember, talking pig flick Babe is a Best Picture nominee and Oliver! The Musical a Best Pic winner.) The first bout of Cold Mountain hateration was chalked up to the oft-cited Miramax/Harvey backlash theory: Oscar voters are petty and blackballed the film just because Harvey Weinstein—who they hate—is involved with it. The implication here, of course, is that—The Horror!—the Oscars are in some way politicized or a place to settle personal vendettas. As if! Shyah, next you'll be telling me that Tom Cruise is shorter in real life than he looks on screen! Or worse, that he's straight!

The first "legitimate" conspiracy theory against this shitcan cracker-baiting film came from Harv himself, who said Cold Mountain was released too late to be seen by voters. But isn't that Harvey's fault, since he's the producer? Of course not! You see, he tried his best, but the voters were just too damn lazy and the Academy just too damn malicious in scheduling an early ceremony this year....Uh, is Karl Rove on Miramax's advisory board? Because all this "It's not my fault, everyone else is to Plame blame" spin smacks of a White House press release.

My favorite conspiracy theory came soon after that late-release brouhaha: Cold Mountain was ignored because Nicole Kidman is too beautiful [scroll down]. Umm, what? Umm, asphinctersayswhat? If that's true, now I'm confused as to why Pirates of the Caribbean was nominated for an Oscar when Geoffrey Rush was obviously "too alive" to play a dead pirate. Or why Lord of the Rings was nominated when Ian McKellen is "too mortal" to play a practitioner of white magic. OK first of all, Nicole's character—a displaced, overly refined aristocrat—is supposed to be beautiful, the more to contrast with her dirty, low-country surroundings. And second of all, why you gotta hate on Nicole now, Us Weekly? If that striking Australian porcelain sylphide hadn't been around for news media types to stalk report on all year, they would have been forced to cover such nasty nasty doings as the War in Iraq and unemployment—talk about unattractive! Side note: Nicole Kidman was born in America (Hawaii), meaning those who punish her for her beauty MUST HATE AMERICA—WHY DO YOU HATE THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH AND ITS BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES?!?!?!?! [9/11 MOM TERROR JESUS FLAG-WAVE FLAG-WAVE 9/11 BABIES APPLE PIE 9/11]

Speaking of flag-waving, there's yet another, more desperate theory about the Oscars and Miramax: Cold Mountain wasn't nominated solely because America is an insular, jingoistic police state. You see, the movie's about the American Civil War, but was directed by a non-American, filmed in Romania, and starred several non-Americans; and JESUS HATES WHEN AMERICA ISN'T #1, so He commanded the Oscar voters to ignore the film.

Regardless of which dirty back-room dealing you believe, Miramax is in dire straits. They've spent years perfecting the art of producing an "Oscar-nominated film©"—that's 12 years of uninterrupted Best Picture noms since 1992's The Crying Game. Yet somehow Cold Mountain, the supposed pinnacle of their efforts—the perfectly Oscar-attuned specimen, drama + comedy + epic + romance + period detail + bad accents + stunt casting, etc.—totally failed to get Oscars. Harv no longer knows what makes Oscar tic, so he's lashing out with all these hare-brained theories because he's pissed that he now has to work harder than Madonna to stave off impending obsolescence. I'm no Hermetic Rabbi, but I think I see some Kabbalah in Harvey's future! (Well, Miramax did scoop up Darren Aronofsky right after he made the notoriously Kabbalah-loving film Pi.)

I have one final conspiracy (this is getting novel-length, I know, bear with me): Harvey's gonna strike back at the Oscars right where it hurts the most—ratings. Now, the only reason people watch the Oscars is for the dresses; if, say, America's top fashion plate were to fall from fashion grace or otherwise slip-up fashion-wise, would anyone even bother watching the Oscars at all, now that there was no promise of breathtaking couture? No way, right?! On a, ahem, "totally unrelated note": sources say Nicole Kidman met with Weinstein (her close friend) just hours before deciding on her horrid, image-destroying Golden Globes Tonya Harding frock. Coincidence? I think not. As the horrid Matt Drudge screams, DEVELOPING.............

The Oscars air February 29th (my Employment Eve)—the day on which ABC gets all of its ratings for the entire year, since no one watches its other shows. Tide yourself over until then with this Oscar trivia game; as they say in the Oscar-worthy Groundhog Day, it's a doozy!


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