Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Paris is Burning

I mentioned in passing a few days ago that the creator of The Real World and a producer of The Simple Life, Mary-Ellis Bunim, had died recently. And just today I read that Bonnie Bogard, a "consulting producer" on The Simple Life (and the mastermind behind both Full House and Love Cruise), also died recently, just 2 days before her boss. Two Simple Life deaths? This just proves what I've suspected all along: Everything Paris Hilton touches dies. I mean, have you seen any Von Dutch hats around lately? Exactly. Most times her trucker hat was the only thing Ms. Hilton wouldn't take off—and now suddenly >POOF< they're gone, a Hilton casualty. Other things we can expect to bite the big one soon [insert Rick Salomon joke here], since Paris has touched them recently: the Miss USA Pageant, which Paris may host; all coke dealers in the Greater L.A./Inland Empire area; the dicks of all the bouncers at Bungalow 8; the entire male aged 16-24 population of Altus, Arkansas; and Donatella Versace. [I SAID GET OOOOUUUTTTT!]

Should Paris herself happen to croak (meaning she'd have to touch herself, I guess), fear not: she'll live on forever in the new book she's writing. Called Tongue-in-Chic, the glossy lifestyle tome will be chock full of tips on how to style yourself as a brazen slattern just like Paris. Gawker scooped the story, and their friends at the ever-handy The Smoking Gun are hosting the full 13-page book proposal. Look for the completed work at an Urban Outfitters near you early this summer, meaning it should hit the discount remainder section of Borders around July. The proposal itself is comic gold, and worth reading in full—who knew Paris was best friends with squeaky-clean Lindsay Lohan?—but if you're short on time, these choice quotes will do. Straight from the whorse's mouth, here's Paris on....

Haute cuisine: "I hate the food on planes, so I bring McDonald's."

Dieting: "Never drink Diet Coke. Diet Coke is for fat people. Only drink real Coca-Cola. Or Red Bull. Hate champagne, because that's what everyone expects you to love." No Cristal? Paris, how deliciously subversive!

Drugs: "I love...To be...REALLY high." Oh sorry, that wasn't about drugs, but about wearing stillettos.

Children: "In the next couple of years, I want to have a boy named London and a daughter named China—I like kids' names with countries and cities. I just get a kick out of naming a kid after a country or city—like I was." That way, when my kids end up in porn as they inevitably will, they don't even have to change their names! Also, I'm not positive whether my name is a country or city, so I better cover all the bases.

Her upcoming album: "It sounds like Blondie—it's cool, I'm writing my own music." Get ready to rock out with your cock out, sports fans! [More info on this magnum opus here, 4th item down]

Being the sluttier sister: "[My sister] Nicky's more strict and uptight than I am—she's more selective with her friends, and shyer than I am. I'm nice to everybody—so it attracts more people."

Being a slut in general: "Don't be too easy."

Being a slut on camera: "I don't know what I do! I just do it. I think cause I started doing it at such a young age....At the beginning of being photographed, I just made kinda dumb faces—and looking over the pictures, I decided to try a few new things....It helps if there are cameras flashing."

How to unwind after a night of being a slut: "I only take baths, I love baths. Sometimes I take a shower before a bath if I feel really dirty."

Low-rise pants, trucker hats, and being a slavish trend whore/unmitigated fashion disaster: "I've never been one to copy trends, I just do what I like. Only cheeseballs wanna be trendy every single minute of the day." What's that you say? Yeah, "I like to do balls every single minute of the day" is all I heard as well.

On how celebrity has made her more guarded about her personal life: "I shouldn't talk about hair extensions—they should be a mystery."


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