Thursday, February 12, 2004

Survey Says

It's that time of year again: leave snarky and unprintable comments at the online Zagat survey (that's zuh-GAT; here's pronounciation help) and get your free copy of the guide everybody loves to hate (thanks Kathy). And dunna you worry: Your expletive-laced diatribes against The Wrap may not make it to print, but there's still a place for them in Tim and Nina Zagat's heart (or there would be if they had hearts—check this dinner with Tim and Nina to see their horrifying true colors shining through). Actually for Boston, it's not food but nightlife that's up for review this year at Zagat. Lemme help out all you reviewer hopeful types out there by providing 3 writeups that can be used to describe 99.99% of all Boston's nightlife offerings:

1. McFisty's, Commonwealth Ave., Kenmore Square
It's white people and "more white people" at this "temple to Sam Adams" filled with "neckless overaged fratboys" and "plenty of white people." A "night out" here means "dude, wear your nice Red Sox hat." Men should "check IDs first" as "I work in marketing" really means "I'm the first sophomore Rush Chair of my sorority at BU." Shoes with traction "required"—the floor gets stickier than "some of these girls' thighs" before the night is "through." Did we "mention the white people"?

2. DJ Krakpype presents "Vulva," Wed. nights @ celibacy, Theatre District
Like a trip to H&M, "but with worse music." Eurotrash is "putting it nicely"—more like "are these men deliberately trying to look homosexual"? Vaguely pan-ethnic female clientele are "needy but easy" (and yes, they "still think" cowboy hats are cool), but they're only here to score their next meathead boyfriend ("again with the no necks!")—only those with multiple "assault and battery" charges need apply. "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta" living off daddy's Gold Card. "Weren't you in my intro econ class?" "No, but I fucked your roommate for coke last year." "I'm not friends with her, our parents just summer together."

3. No Job Market Pub, Somerville Ave.
Poor students test "flirting" techniques that "didn't work in middle school" on one another and on lonely professors—"ask about tenure" before giving it up, as associate profs trend toward "smaller dicks." The stench is "unbearable"—can't these fourth-years "put aside the Wittgenstein" long enough to "bathe"?
For actual scoop on dining in Boston (under $10, no less), check out the fluorescent (and Zagat-shaped!) Hungry? Boston, to which (shameless!) I contributed. [Buy it here]

In other Boston food news: the dude behind the South End's fab trendy pan-Asian Pho Republique has plans to open a Shanghainese-focused restaurant in the Porter Exchange/1815 Mass. Ave. spot where Metro and Cottonwood Café used to be. Shanghainese is great: aside from bringing the world whacky 1000-year-old eggs, it plays a starring role in my favorite movie ever, In the Mood for Love. The eatery will be a welcome arrival, as Shanghai's cuisine is a rare treat in Boston—though now that Kung Pao Chicken ingredient Sichuan peppercorns have been outlawed [login req'd], maybe rarer, less watered-down Asian cuisines will become more common.


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