Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Anal Seepage (And Other Leaks), Part I

Remember all the brouhaha a few years ago over Olestra? You know, the hidden ingredient in low-fat potato chips that actually caused cancer as well as copious amounts of anal seepage ("fecal urgency," as the site calls it)? Speaking of the butt squirts, remember also the shitstorm surrounding aspartame, the carcinogen found in Diet Coke? (Diet Coke, better known as crack for sorority girls. Dude, please read that linked article and tell me that the woman who drinks a Diet Coke in the shower every morning to feel refreshed is just making that shite up.)

Well, it may be that we haven't heard the last of the silent but deadly food additives. See, it turns out that the chemicals used in chicken tikka masala may cause cancer. [Read more here] First of all, chemicals? What chemicals? Everyone's aware that chicken tikka is faux Indian food invented by the British—so it's not authentic, nor does it date back to the pre-preservative days of the maharajahs—but since when is it ok for any dish (regardless of dubious provenance) to contain "sunset yellow #30 paint"? I mean, paint? My bitch mother had about as much authentic Indian sentiment in her as Britney Spears's buttcrack, but even she knew not to put household chemicals in the curry. Sheesh.

Second of all, hate to say I told you so, but well, I told you so. The British don't exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to dealing with anything Indian, you know? What makes you think they'd fare any better at modifying Indian dishes for their own purposes than they did at modifying the Indian subcontinent for their own purposes? Hell, compared to the horrors of Partition, fecal urgency curry ain't nothin. Still, all you honkies out there, I implore you: the next time you head to your local curry-in-a-hurry, stick to the saag paneer. Cancer is, like, harsh, and anyway, chicken tikka masala tastes like ass—a sweet, creamy, smooth tomato's ass, granted, but still ass.

Of course, no discussion of race, tastiness, and asses would be complete without a mention of felching Beyoncé. Which is why I encourage you to vote Beyoncé for Vice President. Just thinking about Beyoncé's "motivated base" has got me feeling an urgency down there—and it ain't fecal. <Ba-dum-pum> Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week.

Want more on leaks? (I promise, no more of the bowel-related kind. Or the culinary kind. And no more felching either.) Then stay tuned. Recently, I've been listening to a lot of yet-to-be-released CDs that have been leaked early on the Internet. (I'm so G.D. illegal kewl, I know.) And it's been so long (days!) since I posted my oh-so-pithy music reviews. So the follow-up to this post (Part II) will take a look at the as-yet-unreleased upcoming CDs from both Topless Avenger Janet Jackson and mopey alt.rock saviors Wilco.

Dude, fecal urgency.

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